between marvin gaye singing lets get it on and kelis sing i hate you so much right now, i seem to be lacking in transition between the two. one second i'm getting ready to score, and the next i'm fighting for my life against the same people. every turn is like a new disaster waiting to happen, and honestly i'm not sure if its all my fault, or just that i've stumbled into a very odd circle of people. to be honest i hate fighting for my life against anyone. its not something i'm good at because i figure i have more to lose in the long run by fighting than by winning in that moment. and theres always that danger that i might lose, which just wouldn't do.
it all culminates in the fact that i would like nothing more to be loved with heart and soul by someone, but that is not my first priority. at the moment my first priority is just trying to stay alive without screwing anyone else up (i suck at this, which is why it needs to be my first priority in order for me to succeed). i'm in a rat race against everyone else, the only problem is that no matter who wins we're all still rats. no matter who comes out of this year whole and sane they aren't better than any other person, they just had better luck with their circumstances. they just came out with a little less sex and violence in their world, the two things that irrecovably screw people up always, in both good and bad ways. now if only i could figure out the difference between good and bad maybe i'd be a little better off.